Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
