I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
