Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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