We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
