Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
MIDGETS
????
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
