If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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