Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
