somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick