last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
