I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
