just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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