We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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