i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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