We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
