someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize