things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
