Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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