just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
