You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
