Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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