dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Never joke about your clitoris.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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