Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
