So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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