my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
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It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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