the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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