i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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