She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
