a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
