Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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