So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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