If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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