Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
