There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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