he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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