My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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