i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
