dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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