I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
4 words: hood of his car
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
