Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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