I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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