I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
