You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
