Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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