your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
