we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
