Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
