I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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