trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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