Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
