I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
