my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
