Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
