I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
